Tea of Good Tidings

Dear Prudence;

Christmas draws ever so near, and not without notice during these bitter cold nights. Here in this dark land of tea and seclusion, we who came to study and learn gather each evening with the mysterious Masters of Tea, to warm our hands beside the fire and thaw the ice from deep within. Steam rises from the pots to fill the pub with a sort of heated fog that lingers near the entrance, to envelope each new arrival. As the doors open to the frigid cold, the hot mist dances like a wilderness sprite, calling forth many a complaint against the evening chill.

It was during one of these dark evenings after a day of ardent study, as I sought comfort in the pub against the bitter snow and biting wind, I was introduced to a mysterious delight of a brew, the name of which is but whispered upon the waves of room-filling mist . . . Tea of Good Tidings.
They say this particular tea is a recipe so secret, so complex in nature, it can take a lifetime of study to master.  Indeed, my dear Prudence, it is a full blend, and a complicated one, but I have avowed to learn this recipe before the end of my studies.

Just last evening, as I sat huddled near the fire in the pub, taking such warmth and comfort from the frigid night as could be found, I noticed one of the hooded brewmasters kneeling in a corner, opening several ebony jars. In front of him lay a clay pot of steaming water, and as I watched, it became clear he was mixing up a batch of that very wintery brew of which I speak.

Trust me, my dearest Prudence, whilst I could not — in a public such as this — bring forth my leather notepad and quill, I thus staunchly memorized the contents of each stone jar, and did commit them to memory.

And what a recipe it was!  You shall delight, Prudence, in this list of ingredients which combines to form the magical Tea of Good Tidings.

First, the Dark Master placed excellent quality black tea leaves into the pot, stuffing them down into the heated water whereupon they could steep. And then, to my surprise, into that same pot was added Berries of the Juniper!  Few tea masters have the skill to apply the Berries of a Juniper bush, but add them, this Dark Master did. The next black pot contained the fragrant peelings of a ripe orange, which were followed by lush seasonal cranberries, and a healthy dosing of cloves. As the tea continued to steep darkly in the pot, the master then added fragrant petals of a winter rose and a helping of almonds to balance the palette. He then increased the odors wafting on the steam by crushing a vanilla bean and adding the sweet meat to the brew. But it was then, as he opened yet another pot, a hush fell over the crowd, for within this eighth container of winter wonders rested none other than dried, black currants. The ninth jar was filled with blackberry leaves, which were ground and added to the steaming brew, the stringencies of which were sure to cut the sweetness of the heady fragrances. And with the final jar’s contents were revealed to be seeds of the cardamom, they, too, were added to the tea before the lid was then placed back upon the clay pot.

Those few of us fortunate enough to be huddled in Fatalitea that bitter, cold night, were treated each to a cup of this otherworldly tea, which smelled deeply of Juniper and Currant. Indeed, the strength of this tea is not for the weak of mind, or light of tongue! For a richness and depth was found therein that lingered sharply on the palette and curled with great fervor up into the nose. When brewed, a rich, blood-red liquid results, and a bouquet as subtle yet overpowering as black-red winter wine.

Gone is the quiet revere brought by Comfort and Joy, replaced now by the boldness only a lust for life can achieve.  Truly I tell you, dear Prudence, that Tea of Good Tidings is the drink of Vigor and Might. This is not a brew for the Ladies of Glouchester Drive and their Sunday Social, but a tea for those who take hold of the bull, and take from life all that it may offer, and then to demand even more.

And now, my darling Prudence, I must make haste, as the sun closes in on the horizon and the cold is creeping ever further into my bones, as surely it must be also doing unto yours this hour. I look forward to another evening in the pub, where I shall beg to stand nearer the Master as he brews this evening’s pot, so that I may one day soon master the complexities and intense winter armor that the mist hath named Tea of Good Tidings.

Yours always,

George Lord Saint John, Esq.

Comfort and Joy

Dear Prudence;

The Holiday season has crept upon me, here in this otherworldly den of tea. The air has turned a brutal cold, and while many of the residents here feel at home in such a deathly chill, I find I myself having a devil of a time maintaining any sort of feeling in my extremities.

During these long, cold, lonely nights, the only thing that keeps me warmed are thoughts of you, and a special seasonal brew they drink here. They call it Comfort and Joy Tea, and my dear Prudence, you would delight in this brew, for it contains not only tea as Black as the night itself, but a generous smattering of a most delightful mixture.

The proprietor of our monastic pub — appropriately named Fatalitea — claims this mixture to be none other than a blending of the Spice of Death and Fruit of the Forbidden Tree. I, however, managed to secure a small pouch and — after several days secluded in my rooms lest my investigations be discovered — have determined the mixture to contain a spice from India they call Cin-namon, a smattering of the Clove, dried bits of Apple from the Northern Regions, and hidden within, barely detectable but for my ardent curiosities — root of the Licorice.

You must believe me when I tell you, my dear Prudence, that when this magical brew is mixed with heated water, the scent quite literally transports one to Days of Yore, when the first snow would bring not frost-bitten toes and the curse of a winter chill, but magical promise of the coming wonders of Christmas itself!  Indeed, merely inhaling the aromas of this brew call to mind spiced treats, mulled wine and the jingling of sleigh bells announcing the arrival of Winter. It rests on the tongue like a fine, mulled wine, while the pallet fills with all the good that the Christmas Season can hold. The finish is strong, like the backs of those brutes who carry the supplies up our treacherous mountain, and lingers behind like a fine, dark wine.

I admit that I’ve been enjoying this Comfort and Joy Tea many nights this early Winter season, taking comfort in the warmth of my cup and joy in the vivid memories therein. I shall send you a tin, dearest Prudence, so that you might take delight in such Holiday sensations. Light a candle against the night for me, my beloved, and allow this tea to transport your spirit to the delights of Christmas Past, until once again we are sharing the seasons together.

Yours,
George Lord Saint John, Esq.

Tea vs The Zombie Hoard

Tea: According to Chinese literature, Emperor Shen Nung, who was known, as the “Divine Healer” would routinely boil his drinking water before consuming it. 　One day some leaves from a nearby bush blew into the pot, which resulted in an excellent tasting and fragrant beverage.

The Zombie Hoard: According to some, the Zombie Hoard first came about as a result of scientific experimentation with a mutated virus, while others falsely associate Zombies with the VooDoo religion and bad eighties hair styles.

Tea: In 1904, Thomas Sullivan an enterprising tea and coffee merchant in New York is credited with the accidental discovery of tea bags. 　To control costs, he sent out samples of his tea to potential buyers in small silk sacks as opposed to the customary tin cans. 　The recipients of the samples didn’t bother to remove the tea from the silk sacks and brewed up the tea in that form.

The Zombie Hoard: Because there are so many different types of zombies, there are also many different ways zombies come to exist. In some more frightening origins, it’s through some kind of contagious disease or catastrophic event, while others contend zombies have a supernatural, or otherworldly genesis. Regardless of their inception, it is generally accepted that boiling a Zombie in a silk bag will not produce an enjoyable beverage.

Tea: Contrary to popular perception, Orange Pekoe is not a flavoring at all, it　simply connotes a certain size of tealeaf (usually the largest pieces of leaf available). 　Over the years, through marketing efforts, the name has acquired an image associated with high quality.

The Zombie Hoard: Zombies are rarely associated with high quality, and in fact – due to their state of non-living – they tend to decompose or “fall apart” the longer they remain in their reanimated state.

Tea: On a dry weight basis tea has twice as much caffeine per pound as does coffee. 　However, on an as-consumed basis, tea has less caffeine as a similar serving of coffee. 　The reason for this is that a pound of tea yields about 200 servings while a pound of coffee yields between 40 and 50 servings.

The Zombie Hoard: While reports of Zombies constantly flowing into and out of Starbucks locations around the world, caffeine has little to no effect on the average Zombie, although it is strongly recommended citizens hoping to avoid the advancing of the Zombie Hoard develop a taste for it.

Tea: Tea should not be placed in a refrigerator since the change in temperatures when the product is used could contribute to “sweating” which could lead to mold formation and deterioration of quality. 　Similarly, tea should be allowed to breathe so that excess moisture may safely evaporate. 　Shipping tea in airtight containers for short periods of time is an acceptable practice which serves to protect the fragile product from harmful outside contaminants.

The Zombie Hoard: Having no need to breathe, Zombies can be stored easily and effectively in refrigerated and air-tight containers. Such conditions will slow down the decay and help to preserve your Zombie for upwards of several years, depending on temperature and the decomposition levels when chilled.

Tea: Brewing Black or Oolong tea with water, which has just started to boil but not boiled too long is the ideal practice. 　This ensures the optimal brewing temperature (212º F) without destroying the quality of the water through excessive loss of oxygen. 　Green tea is an exception and should be brewed with water which has not come to a boil. 　Ideally, this water should be between 165º F and 185º F. 　A common practice is to take water which has been brought to a boil and set it aside for several minutes until it has cooled before brewing Green tea.

The Zombie Hoard: While Zombies are unaffected by boiling water, prolonged exposure in large bodies of water may result in the consumption of the Zombie by various sea life. Unable to swim, the Zombie is forced to cross large bodies of water by walking along the sea floor or lake bed, making them susceptible to tidal currents, deep-sea trenches and loch Ness monsters.

Tea: Assam, Nilgiri, Dimbulla, and Uva are all regions of tea producing countries known for the high quality of their teas. 　It is reported that there are more than 3,000 varieties of tea and that many tea experts are able to identify many of these teas by their appearance and taste.

The Zombie Hoard: Zombies come in all shapes, sizes and colors, and do not discriminate against either sex. In any Hoard, you will find Zombies of color, as well as Caucasian and Asian Zombies, both Male and Female. Determining a Zombie’s ethnicity by appearance can be difficult, based on rate of decomposition and the dropping-off of appendages.

Tea: India is the largest producer of tea in the world producing 819,877 tons of tea in 1994. 　China is next with 648,675 tons, followed by Sri Lanka with 268,482 tons and Japan with 95,133 tons. Sri Lanka is the largest exporter of tea in the world shipping some 247,177 tons in 1994. 　China is the next largest shipping 198,062 tons, followed by India with 159,557 tons and Japan with only 1,653 tons exported in 1994. 　As might be expected, India, China, and Japan have well developed markets for tea within their own countries.

The Zombie Hoard: Hollywood is the largest producer of Zombies in the world, followed closely by Washington DC, #10 Downing Street UK, the Financial District, Boot Camp, and public school systems world-wide.

Tea of the Week: Niligiri – Blue Mountain. This tea is bright, with brisk liquors and a smoothly rounded mellow flavor. Its taste is complex and floral, satisfying on more than one level. It does well with milk, but is also wonderful without. Nilgiri teas are grown in the states of Tamil, Nadu and Kerala, in South India. The teas are grown among the Nilgiris, or “Blue Mountains” which are known for the bluish mists which veil the region and the rare blue Kurinji flowers which blossom throughout the Nilgiris once every twelve years.

Fatalitea. Raise a cup, not the dead.